Today is not only Mother’s Day (as if the day didn’t hold enough weight already); it’s my grandma’s birthday.  I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately.  Sometime last week, I deep fried some fish, which I’ve never done–and it happens to be one of her favorite meals.  She would have loved it.  At the high school, some girl was wearing a gaudy pair of shoes from payless–they were some sort of green plastic slipper with beading.  Grandma had that exact pair.  She had bad taste in shoes.  Very bad taste in shoes.

My uncle and a few of her neighbors wanted to throw her a birthday party today.  Part of me thinks that it’s a sweet idea.  The other part of me thinks it’s crazy and so unnecessary.  But to be honest, i didn’t think it was crazy and unnecessary until my aunt told me about it and so graciously gave me her opinion on the matter. 

So my grandma is dead.  And it’s Mother’s Day.  My own mom certainly doesn’t deserve a whole day celebrating her motherly achievements.  I still tell her I love her, though–and I reassure her that she wasn’t a shitty mom.  And I even tell her that I forgive her.  The strange thing about that last statement is that I actually do.  Which says very little about her and what’s she done to her family.  It also says nothing of my character.  Lord knows I don’t forgive easily. 

I suppose it sounds stupid and trite, but maybe I’ll forgive someone in her honor today.  Although I don’t know if that’ll be harder than just sending her a card. 

 

I am ten pages away from finishing Peace Like a River.  I need to finish Digging to America yesterday and start Empire Falls a.s.a.p. 

Jeff’s on his way to a pool party for Mentoring Children of Promise, which is an organization under Goodwill Industries that mentors children whose parents are incarerated.  We mentor twin boys: Marqese and Marqell.  I have too much to do today to spend three hours away from the house. 

On Tuesday, I teach the Bible as Lit class again.  I get to teach on Jesus and Feminism.  Take that conservative high school.  yeah.

Other than that, today is kind of a blah day.  I don’t want to be cooped up, but I lack the self-confidence to venture out–especially in a swimsuit.  Which is the underlying reason that I’m not going to the party with Jeff.  But we won’t tell them that.

 

“Mismatched Newlyweds”

Like
A pair
Of mismatched newlyweds,
One of whom still feels very insecure,
I keep turning to God
Saying
“Kiss
Me.”

“Stop Being So Religious”

What
Do sad people have in
Common?

It seems
They have built a shrine
To the past

And often go there
And do a strange wail and
Worship.

What is the beginning of
Happiness?

It is to stop being
So religious

Like

That.

“A Cushion for Your Head”

Just sit there right now
Don’t do a thing
Just rest.

For your separation from God,
From love,

Is the hardest work
In this
World.

Let me bring you trays of food
And something
That you like to
Drink.

You can use my soft words
As a cushion
For your
Head.

 

Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,  
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands;  
Even now, your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners, troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,  
Your true Soul and Body appear before me,  
They stand forth out of affairs—out of commerce, shops, law, science, work, forms, clothes, the house, medicine, print, buying, selling, eating, drinking, suffering, dying.          5
  
Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem;  
I whisper with my lips close to your ear,  
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.  
  
O I have been dilatory and dumb;  
I should have made my way straight to you long ago;   10
I should have blabb’d nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing but you.  
  
I will leave all, and come and make the hymns of you;  
None have understood you, but I understand you;  
None have done justice to you—you have not done justice to yourself;  
None but have found you imperfect—I only find no imperfection in you;   15
None but would subordinate you—I only am he who will never consent to subordinate you;  
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God, beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.  
  
Painters have painted their swarming groups, and the centre figure of all;  
From the head of the centre figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color’d light;  
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus of gold-color’d light;   20
From my hand, from the brain of every man and woman it streams, effulgently flowing forever.  
  
O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!  
You have not known what you are—you have slumber’d upon yourself all your life;  
Your eye-lids have been the same as closed most of the time;  
What you have done returns already in mockeries;   25
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in mockeries, what is their return?)  
  
The mockeries are not you;  
Underneath them, and within them, I see you lurk;  
I pursue you where none else has pursued you;  
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the accustom’d routine, if these conceal you from others, or from yourself, they do not conceal you from me;   30
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these balk others, they do not balk me,  
The pert apparel, the deform’d attitude, drunkenness, greed, premature death, all these I part aside.  
  
There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you;  
There is no virtue, no beauty, in man or woman, but as good is in you;  
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you;   35
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.  
  
As for me, I give nothing to any one, except I give the like carefully to you;  
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing the songs of the glory of you.  
  
Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!  
These shows of the east and west are tame, compared to you;   40
These immense meadows—these interminable rivers—you are immense and interminable as they;  
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent dissolution—you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,  
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain, passion, dissolution.  
  
The hopples fall from your ankles—you find an unfailing sufficiency;  
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest, whatever you are promulges itself;   45
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing is scanted;  
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are picks its way.

 

 

— Walt Whitman

Tuscan Tomato Soup

- serves 4 -
Adapted from Entertaining by Martha Stewart.

Ingredients

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons butter
2 carrots, peeled and finely diced
2 stalks celery, finely diced
1 1/2 medium onions, minced
2 28-ounce cans whole plum tomatoes, chopped, with their juice, or 7 large ripe tomatoes, peeled and seeded
1/4 cup chopped parsley
6 leaves fresh basil (optional)
Salt and freshly ground pepper
1/2 cup cream (optional)

Procedure

1. Heat the oil and butter in a heavy soup pot. Cook the carrots, celery, and onions for about 20 minutes, or until very tender. Add the tomatoes and continue cooking over moderate heat for 25 to 30 minutes longer. Stir in the parsley and basil, season with salt and pepper, cook a minute or so longer, and serve hot.

2. As a variation, she says you can strain the soup and thin it with cream. I pureed half of my soup and stirred it back into the chunky half. Then I stirred in a half cup of cream because I happened to have it in the refrigerator, and I was pleased with the resulting soup, which was still quite thick.

Bloomsday was amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  There’s something indescribably beautiful about being surrounded by fifty thousand people.

we finished the 7.5 miles in about 2 hours and 15 minutes.  And yes, the stroller moms and dads beat us. 

Right now, I’m on racephotos.net, trying to find the girlfriends and myself crossing the finish line. 

I am ridiculously sunburnt.  And tired.  And behind on reading.  I still haven’t finished Beloved, but now I’m reading Digging to America and Peace Like a River. 

Other than that, i cannot wait for summer.  I’m so tired of school.  But I’m happy.  So, it’s all okay.

the NAC fundraiser went well on Saturday.  They made me a bouncer.  That didn’t work out very well.  I kept getting scolded by the owner of Brooklyn Deli for letting people take beer outside of the beer garden. :(

  • Bloomsday is tomorrow.  i’m quite nervous to be running (read: walking) seven and a half miles. 
  • Today, the girlfriends are coming over to finish our t-shirts.  And then the in-laws are coming over to give me an early birthday present. 
  • Also–today at 2, I’m heading over to Brooklyn Deli for a fundraiser for NAC.  I’m pretty pumped.   I also need to go to some clothing store to find something to wear during the race.  I don’t have any “work out” or “running” clothes. 
  • I went to the dentist Thursday and had three teeth filled.  It was very unpleasant.
  • I need to clean before the girlfriends get here.  :(  And the in-laws… wish me luck!

I’ve been writing you a letter in my mind.  I still don’t have the words quite right.  I want to say that each day is regenerative and holds power in that fact.  That choosing to step out of bed each morning deserves a medallion to be worn around the neck with the words ”I chose today” enscribed on it.  Your words, broken and painful, prove me the existence of some greater power.  There is no power in the words themselves; they are the vehicle for something far greater than you or I know.  There’s life in them.  Raw and vivid. Viceral and bloody and passionate.  Love.  Things that makes us know we are alive and that it’s a life worth living.  Even pain gives us something to overcome–and then gives us the power to overcome. 

Truly, the love you have draws me to you.  And I am better for it. 

I always feel stupid after leaving my 20th C American lit class. Even if I’m on top of the reading, understanding what’s going on, etc., etc., I still cannot contribute a coherent thought into the classroom discussion. It’s because the teacher, whom I admire GREATLY and look up to, sits right next to me and stares at me, expecting me to contribute. I don’t contribute for fear of sounding stupid, and then when i finally say something, I might as well stick my whole fucking foot in my mouth. It’s not that I don’t understand the material or that I really am stupid–I also have a problem with sounding eloquent. I get nervous when i talk in class. My mouth dries up and my heart races–even if I know what the hell I’m talking about, the people who are listening are less than convinced.

Today, we were talking about post-modernism and Beloved. She started the class discussion by trying to get us to define post-modernism. Which I can totally do. It reminds me of Chomsky’s theory of linguistic performance and competence. I have the thoughts, sentences, examples, etc. all floating around in my head, but trying to perform what I know is another story.

Even when I teach, I find i stumble over my words. It’s really embarrassing. I’ve got to figure out a way to sound more eloquent and less like an ass.

Because I DO know quite a bit about post-modernism. I had a lot to say. She asked about the linguistic aspect, and I was trying to tell her about James Berlin and the epistemic rhetoric. I was trying to talk to her about how many say that post-modernism is dangerously relativistic and yet they say, or James Berlin says, that there is a system of three checks and balances in place to ensure that we don’t live in chaos. Remember the paper I posted? The post-modern safety net (as far as linguistics goes) is made up of a community of discussants, the material world, and any particular language rules of any given community. The interaction between the three, pushing and pulling what people try to pass off as reality, makes sure that the reality agreed upon isn’t radically ridiculous.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I think I’m going to go and sulk now.

  • Is Beloved magical realism?  How is the novel post-modern?  We will discuss this later.
  • Jeff, my brilliant husband, was supposed to get up at three this morning to go to work.  Instead, he opts to get up at one.  Why?  He just got up, took a shower, drank his coffee, all the while thinking it was three.  When he realized it wasn’t, he decided to stay up instead of coming back to bed. 
  • Dentist appointment today! :S